Mummy Moony
by imSiriuslyLupin4you
Summary: Remus is Pregnant, and now, Sirius is going to be a Daddy! How does he deal with Mood Swings, Cravings, and his grumpy and Hormonal Werewolf Lover? M for Mpreg, language, and some sexual themes.
1. Prologue

**The world NEEDS more mpreg fics, so I'm going to write one. If your reading this and you don't like mpreg, then get the hell out. Right now. I mean it. I don't want to deal with you. **

**I'm planning this fic to have eleven chapters. One for each month of Remus' pregnancy, an epilogue and this prologue. This will all be Sirius' POV.**

**Oh yeah, one more thing. This is MPREG, and for those annoying little turds who **_**deliberately**_** seek out mpreg fics **_**just **_**to **_**ask how**_** it's **_**possible**_**, IT JUST IS. So deal with it. In my **_**perfect**_** world, MEN CAN HAVE BABIES.**

** Please enjoy!**

_**Prologue**_

"Oh… _Oh_… OH! P-Pads… _Siriusssssss_!"

"_Moony…_" I roughly kissed Remus' salty, lips as I pushed into him. About three feet away, David Bowie was singing Moonage Daydream while a bunch of rainbow marshmallow peeps danced in slow circles around us.

"Pads… Pads… PADS!"

I jerked awake as Remus' shout broke through my dream. Opening my eyes, I blinked away the blurriness and saw Remus' wide amber eyes staring down at me.

"What is it? I was having a wonderful dream including you, David Bowie, and an animated army of marshmallow peeps." I groaned, and rolled over to face the muggle alarm clock on my bedside table. "Rem, it's four o' clock in the fucking morning… go back to sleep." I closed my eyes. I heard Remus get out of bed and walk away. He was probably going to seek comfort in kitchen. Or maybe he needed to go to the loo. Pregnant people always seemed to have bladder problems. I snuggled back into my pillow and was attempting to fall back into my brilliant dream when something heavy hit me on my head.

I jerked up, and stared at Remus. He looked strangely threatening with his nine-month rounded belly and sleep tangled hair. "Don't you fucking dare go back to sleep, Sirius Orion Black! I woke you up for a reason, and by_ golly_, you're going to hear it!"

I raised an eyebrow at Remus' uncharacteristic cussage. Not wanting to induce the Lycanthropic Wrath of my _extremely_ pregnant husband, I sat up in bed and calmly faced Remus. "Sorry, Love. What were you saying?"

Remus took a deep breath. "My water just broke."

I blinked. "Remus, Love… water can't break. Its a liquid."

Remus gave me a look of deepest disgust. "'My water broke' means that- _augh_!" Remus suddenly doubled over in pain, clutching at his rounded stomach.

"Moony?" I leapt out of bed, and hurried over to my gasping husband. "Moony, Baby… what's the matter?"

"I'M ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH TO YOUR FUCKING _SPAWN,_ YOU MORON!" Remus screeched.

"Oh my God!" I stared blankly at Remus. "Are you sure?"

"DO I LOOK LIKE I'M JOKING?" Remus' face was screwed up in pain. "_Why are you just standing there_? GO FLOO ST. MUNGO'S!"

"Right! Floo St. Mungo's…" I ran from the bedroom, and into the living room, grabbing a handful of floo powder on my way. I was about to become a father… I was about to become a fucking _father_. I threw the floo powder into the fireplace and stuck my head in. "St. Mungo's Wizarding Hospital!"

"I'm sorry." A cool feminine voice rang out clearly. "The St. Mungo's Wizarding Hospital is currently unable to take your floo, due to Security Measures. Please have a wonderful night."

'_Oh, Shit_…'

**Yes, this it's short, but it's like a preview. Its not supposed to be long. Well, what do you think besides the length? Should I bother continuing? Or should I let it rot away on my computer?**


	2. Purple, and Other Traumatic Things

**_MONTH 1_**

**_Tuesday, January 1, 1980_**

I hate the Knight Bus. I really do. It's noisy, and bumpy, and always smells like a combination of vomit and floral air freshener. _And _it's purple. I've always hated the color purple... It sickens me... It's the color of eggplant. The color of _EVIL_. Even the _word '_purple' sickens me. For one thing, it starts with the letter 'P'. 'Nuff said. And then the beginning is the word 'pur'. Pur is a word in the stupid motto my dear old Mumsie and Popsicle insisted on drilling into my poor innocent little brain from the tender age of two seconds old. I came out of the _womb_ expected to know that motto. Pur is _also _the sound a cat makes. I hate cats. I'm pretty sure I don't have to tell you why. And 'ple' sounds like 'pull', and I don't like pulling. It _hurts_. Stupid Prongs _always _used to pull my soft, beautiful, lovely, hair in school and it scarred me for _life_. _Life _I tell you! And Moony pulls my ear whenever I've been bad, which is surprisingly often. And I just _know_ that Prongs' kid will pull my tail after it gets born. I've _seen_ what children do to dogs… I shuddered at the thought of it.

The stupid, bumpy, noisy, and _PURPLE_ Knight Bus gave a particularly violent lurch, and I let out a very... um... _manly_ shriek as the hot coffee I had in my hand spilled onto my lap. Great. Now I was going to have to put ice on my dick. I hope it doesn't blister. Oooh, that sounded painful. A blistered dick... God that would suck. And I _don't_ mean literally. What sane person would suck a man with a blistered dick? Besides, like, a prostitute or my crazy cousin or something. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that Bellatrix's husband has painful blisters on _his_ dick… That mental image shouldn't have been as pleasing as it was.

When the Knight Bus finally came to a stop outside Moony's and mine flat a few minutes after the Disastrous And Traumatizing Dick Scalding Incident, (now known as The DATDSI) I nearly flew off the evil, purple, penis scalding… _thing_, and ran for the door. After unlocking it I started to climb the stairs.

There were four floors in our flat and, unfortunately, Remus and I lived on the very top floor. The Land Lady didn't allow appriation, because the noise "disrupted her 'Me Time'.'" (Her words, not mine) Which was just silly, since she _claimed_ that she was a witch and refused to acknowledge how Squibbish she really was. Couldn't she just use a Silencing Spell or something? It really wasn't that hard. After all it was just a simple little flick. Just like _Windgardium Leviosa _without the swish. (That's how _I_ remembered it).

"Mooooony! I'm ba-ack!" I'm home, I'm home, I'mhomeI'mhomeI'm_home_, and off of that _horrible _Knight Bus. I felt a wide grin stretch itself across my face as Moony looked over his shoulder and smiled warmly at me from where he stood at the kitchen sink.

"Hi, Padfoot. How was work?"

"Fine." I let my eyes travel up and down Remus' body while I quickly shed my coat and toed off my boots. "You look nice today."

Remus flushed slightly and turned back to the sink, trying not to let me see him smiling. "Oh, be quiet you. I look a hot mess."

"Well, you're _half_ right." I smirked, and eyed Remus' outfit. He was wearing one of my old AC/DC t-shirts, and a slightly ripped pair of tight jeans, but it was the accessories that made him look so sexy… well, more sexy than usual anyway. Who knew that seeing your husband keeping his hair out of his face using a floral bandanna and some pink butterfly clips, while at the same time wearing an apron could be such a turn on?

Remus turned towards me again, and smirked. "Flattery will get you nowhere."

"Au Contraire, my Dear Moonykins." I grinned and wrapped my arms around Remus' waist. "Flattery will get me _everywhere_. Like here," I kissed Remus' nose softly. "And here," I kissed his chin. "And _here_." I finally pressed my mouth to his and Remus kissed me back. I felt his soapy hands wind themselves in my hair and the hardening bulge beneath the denim and the apron, and I grasped his arse in my hands and gave them a hard _squeeze_. We ground together for a few more moments before Remus broke away from me and grinned mischievously.

"When's the last time that you fucked me in the kitchen?"

I groaned. "At _least_ two months…" Sadly, it was true. We both worked, me from five am, to six pm, and Remus from four pm, to ten pm. When we actually got to see each other, both of us were too tired to kiss each other hello, let alone _fuck_. It was only when one of us was off that we got to spend some _*ahem*_ _social_ time together. Like tonight.

"It seems like forever…" Remus sighed happily as I kissed his neck. "I miss feeling you inside of me."

"I miss it too." I tugged at the strings at the back of the apron, and when I couldn't get them undone (damn double knots), I reached underneath and yanked down his jeans. The apron tented impressively and Remus blushed.

"It's been a long time." Remus' tone was defensive.

I smirked and grasped Remus from underneath the apron. He gasped and rocked into my hand. "_Too_ long." I murmured, nibbling at that spot on Remus' ear that he just loves. He arched into my touch and let his hands wander down to the crotch of my jeans where he rubbed me through the fabric expertly. I gave an embarrassingly loud moan and pushed Remus against the sink. Hooking his legs around my waist, I felt him undo my belt, and shove my pants and underwear down. Wasting no time I pushed inside of Remus, and felt his moan rip through his _entire_ body. Without waiting for him to adjust (Moony liked it rough, anyway) I started to thrust in and out of Remus as hard as I could. We could make love later, but now it was time for some hardcore fucking.

**(A/N: While Padfoot's busy drilling away at his Moony, you should all know that he's dripping. As in there's pre-cum leaking from his dick. Did you know that there's an itsy bitsy teeny weenie bit of sperm in pre cum? Not a lot, but enough to get someone pregnant. Which is what's happening right now. At this very moment hundreds of Sirius' little sperm cells are wriggling towards the thing in Remus that allows men to have babies. I haven't thought of a name yet, but whatever. Any who, a baby is now conceived, and in nine months Remus will be Mummy Moony, and Sirius will be a daddy! Well, I suppose you all want to get back to the sexy kitchen sex scene now, so see you again at the end of the chapter!)**

What seemed like mere _moments _later, I began to feel Remus tighten around me. "So… _close_…" Remus panted in my ear, echoing my thoughts. It really had been too long since we last did this if we were both already about to come. "S-_Sirius_…!" Remus' hand was moving furiously between us, nearly becoming a blur. I knew that he was seconds away from finishing. I wrapped my hand around his, and Remus let out a high-pitched gasp.

"Oh… _OH_! Siriussss! I love you! I _love_ you… IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouI- _Oh, GOD yes_!"

Then there was a warm splattering on my belly, and Remus collapsed against me, panting heavily. I quickened my pace and soon I was spilling over inside of my Husband.

Remus moaned slightly as I withdrew. "We _must_ do this more often." He sighed and snuggled into my chest. I nodded and kissed Remus softly on his forehead.

Later that night, at dinner I broke some bad news to Remus. "Moony… Baby?"

"Hmmm?" Remus looked up at me from a mouthful of chicken.

"I need to go to America for a month."

My announcement was met with a stunned silence.

"But… _why_?" I winced when I saw the hurt in Remus' wide-eyed expression.

"Arthur… err… Mr. Weasley, Fabian and Gideon's sister's husband… you know, the head of the Department of Misuse of Muggle Artifacts… so, my boss? He wants us, err, the _Department,_ to visit the American Academy of Magic so we can give some lecture on not misusing muggle things and not treating Muggles like my parents treat them… and then we're supposed to go around to some other schools like the Salem University of Witchcraft in Massachusetts, and the Matthew Grant School for Wizards, and the Temperance Lloyd Institute of Magic. It's… I mean, yes the whole situation is a bit inconvenient, but it's for a good educational cause."

"It's okay, Padfoot. I understand. You don't have to explain." Remus said softly. Despite his words I could tell that he was upset. I would be missing the full moon _and_ our Five Year Anniversary. I was such a lousy Husband...

"If you'd like, I could make up an excuse not to go..." I offered.

Remus started to shake his head before I even finished talking. "No, go. You have responsibilities." He smiled up at me. "Don't worry about Little Old Me…"

We both poked at our food for a few more silent moments before Remus broke the quiet.

"When… when are you leaving?"

"The tenth." I refused to meet Remus' eyes.

"But that means you'll miss our Anniversary!" Remus exclaimed.

"I know." I reached across the table and placed my hand on top of Remus' "We'll do something when I get back, okay?"

Remus nodded sadly. The corners of his mouth were pulled down with disappointment. Neither of us have ever missed a birthday/holiday/anniversary before, and me missing a Full Moon was unheard of. Even after the Willow Incident in sixth year, I still went to the Shack.

"I'm going to go put the food away now." Remus said and stood up. I watched him go to the cupboard and pull down a few plastic containers, filling them with chicken, yellow rice, and salad.

I sat still for a few more moments watching him, before I pushed my chair back and stood up. Walking around the table I pressed myself to Remus' back, and wrapped my arms around him. "I'm sorry..." Remus heaved a large sigh and I kissed the back of his neck. "Let's go shower, and go to bed."

"I need to do the dishes." Remus protested weakly.

"Do them later." I mumbled, kissing his neck again. I bit it softly, and smirked at the noise he made.

"I _can't_ do them later." I was pleased to note that Remus' voice was shaky. I started to nibble on the place I had just kissed "If I don't do them now, then I wont feel like doing them tomorrow, and I'll keep putting them off until the dirty dishes overflow and completely take over the kitchen and grow funky smelling mold that will crawl around the house while I'm asleep and eat me alive. And then it will be too late to wash the dishes."

"I would _never_ let that happen." I pressed my groin closer to Remus' arse. "The only one around here allowed to eat you, is _me_."

**_Thursday, January 10, 1980_**

When I woke up the morning of the trip, I felt like shite. My throat hurt, I was coughing, I couldn't breathe out of my nose, and last nights dinner was threatening to come back up. At first, Moony thought that I was overreacting and told me to get up and stop complaining.

"You're overreacting. Get up and stop complaining, Pads. I know that you don't want to go, but you have to leave in an hour."

"But Moony-"

"_Now_ Sirius!"

After Remus made me quote un quote "Drag my lazy ass out of bed" and take a shower and shave so I stopped looking (and smelling) like, quote un quote "A homeless bum with a pet skunk", I attempted to choke down some overly sweet French Toast, and some much too creamy coffee. Remus told me to, quote un quote "Stop picking at my food and eat. There are children starving in Africa."

And then I threw up.

All over Remus' French toast.

And boy, was he _pissed_.

I gulped.

_No one_ messed with Remus John Lupin's French Toast and got away with it.

...Not even me.

Remus stood up and closed his eyes like he was concentrating on not killing me. Then he took out his wand and _scrougified_ the vomit. I watched the wand carefully. Like I said before, _no one_ messed with Remus John Lupin's French Toast and got away with it. I expected his wand to come crashing down at any second turning me into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then he'd put that flea into a box. And then he'd put that box into another box, and then he'd put that box into _another_ box, and mail it to himself. And when the package arrived, he'll _smash it with a hammer_! Or, to save on postage, he'll just _Avada Kedavra_ me right now, and feed my dead body to Hagrid's giant pet spider, Aragog, that lives deep within the bowels of the Forbidden Forest.

Remus looked up at me, grimacing slightly. "Do you feel better now?"

Surprisingly, I did. So I nodded.

"Good. Now go change your clothes." Remus turned away from me. "We need to get you to the Portkey in twenty minutes."

**_Wednesday, January 16, 1980_**

I fucking hate Americans… they are loud, and rude, and strangely obsessed with European accents.

"Kay, now say 'bottle'!"

I sighed. "Bottle."

The girls sitting around me started to giggle again, and I tried not to roll my eyes. This was _so_ not in the job description… I glared at Greg Harris, a fellow Ministry worker from my Department. He grinned and shrugged while wrapping his arm around some petite brunette whose face reminded me of Remus'… I missed my Moony… I missed my Moony when he mooned me… Me missed my mooning Moony… I was actually getting quite worried about him. Not only was it the full moon a few nights ago, but he also said that he had been throwing up a lot lately. He said that he thought that he was coming down with what I had. We were Flooing the other day, and we were having a perfectly normal conversation, when he suddenly got this weird look on his face and ran off. Moments later I could hear him throwing up. It was gross. And when we had talked last night Remus had been acting a little nervous. When I asked him why he said that there had been another muggle killing, but I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something else bugging him.

"Now say 'table'!" the blonde girl jerked me out of my 'Remus-Centric' thoughts, and I rolled my eyes.

"Table."

"Oh… it sounds the same…" The blonde girl and her two equally blonde friends decided to start pouting in disappointment.

This time I couldn't resist rolling my eyes. Of _course_ the words sounded the same. They were the same damn words for crying out loud! "I have to go to the restroom…" I muttered. As I walked away, I heard the girls squealing with delight. ('_He said, "I have to go to the restroom"!_ *insert fangirl scream here*) I walked up to Greg and grabbed him by his collar.

"_Why did you bring me to this Hellhole_?"

Greg smirked at me. "Are you not enjoying yourself? Those three girls seem to be just _loving _your company."

I glared at Greg, and attempted to toss my hair back in a dignified manner. I ended up just getting it stuck to my face and in my mouth. I spluttered, while Greg pointed and laughed.

"_Merlin, _you really _are_ a pouf!" Greg laughed. "So over dramatic!"

I scowled. "I'll be at the hotel…" I muttered, and stalked out of the bar. I couldn't wait to get back to my room where I could Floo my Darling Moonykins. I really needed to be comforted after that traumatizing experience with those three fake blonde American floozies.

When I had walked the three blocks back to the hotel (and on the way almost being molested by some random homeless person) I hurried to the fireplace and threw a handful of Floo Powder in. I got onto my knees (Thank Merlin for fluffy carpeting) and stuck my head in.

I stared into my empty living room. "Moony?"

"Sirius?" A pair of feet appeared, but they didn't belong to my Remus. Lily knelt down and smiled at me. 'How are you?"

"Fine. Where's Remus?" I attempted to look around Lily's legs.

"Oh, he's still sleeping." Lily glanced behind her towards our bedroom. "He's been acting really lethargic lately. Want me to go wake him up for you?" I shook my head and bid Lily good night.

**_Thursday, January 31, 1980_**

I had marked down this day as the day that I was _supposed_ to go home, but _nooo_! I had to stay in America for another two weeks because bloody Dark Wizards were wreaking havoc, and they wanted to keep as much people out of Britain as possible! When I told Remus that I wasn't coming home yet, he had nearly burst into tears. I felt terrible. I really… _really_ hated my job sometimes. I mean, it had its perks (i.e., annoying the piss out of my family and giving me an excuse to bring the Black Bitch home), but sometimes I wish that I could just take a solid week off, and just spend some time alone with Remus. I found it quite upsetting tat I saw Lily, James, Peter and even bloody _Snivelus_, more than I saw my own husband who I fucking _lived_ with. I mean, I had lunch with Lily, and James everyday, and whenever I felt like surprising Moony with a little gift (which was often) I stopped by Pettigrew's Presents for a little knick-knack or something, and saw Peter. Plus I passed by the Slug & Jiggers Apothecary everyday on my way to and from work. I bet that you can guess who works _there._

I really, really _hated_ business trips…

**_Thursday, February 14, 1980_**

When I opened the door to our flat, I was attacked by an overexcited werewolf. "Oh Merlin, Sirius… I missed you so much!" Remus snuggled into my chest, and grinned up at me with sparkly eyes.

I grinned back. "I missed you too." I kissed Remus softly on his lips, and frowned a bit. "Love, why do you smell like paint?" I pulled back and stared at him. Remus was wearing the exact same outfit that he had worn the night I told him about The Trip, except now he was also covered with flecks of yellow and white paint. His outfit and new aroma of _Eu de Paint _wasn't the only thing different about him though. There was a slightly more subtle difference that was only noticeable if you knew Remus well. Even then it was hard to point out.

Remus smiled a mischievous smile. "I have a surprise for you…" He said in a sing song voice, biting his bottom lip to keep from smiling.

I smirked and decided to nibble on that lip for him. "Does it involve sex?" I whispered as seductively as I could.

Remus gave a small and decidedly Un-Moony like giggle, and shrugged. "In a way… follow me!"

I walked after Remus as he almost literally danced to the 'spare' bedroom, which we used as a Library/Office/Store Room/'Dungeon' for Sexy Fun Time. We stood outside the door, and I gawked at the floor. It seemed as if the Library's/Office's/Store Room's/'Dungeon' for Sexy Fun Time's entire contents were packed away in boxes and bags all around the door and all down the hall. It even looked as if there were some boxes in the living room and bed room.

"Are we having a yard or garage sale or something?"

"Nope." Remus chirped. "We don't even have a garage... or a yard. I suppose that we could have a 'Hall Sale' or something though." Remus looked at me, and gave me a nervous smile. "Are... are you ready for your superise, Sirius?"

I nodded, and Remus took a deep breath before he swung the Library/Office/Store Room/'Dungeon' for Sexy Fun Time door wide open. **(A/N: Insert AVPM Ginny Style scream here.)** "Tah-Dah!"

I stared. "Remus… why is the Library yellow? And why do we suddenly have a crib in here?" I stared at the white crib. Were Lily and James getting a new one and keeping it here?

Remus stared at me. "Siri, we're going to have a baby!"

"… Why?"

"Padders, I'm pregnant!"

And that's when my body hit the floor.

**Okay, that's the end of the first OFFICIAL chapter… I hope you all liked it! Sorry it took so long though… it would have been updated a week ago but fanfiction . net was NOT cooperating with me. Something about an Error 2 or something like that... **

**I don't know how often updates will be, because I have School Work/Drama Club/Good Boys Like It Rough to focus on, but I promise that this will not be abandoned.**

** So, guess who I met on Wednesday? DAN SAVAGE! Yes, THAT Dan Savage! THE Dan SAVAGE. It was so cool… and I got all of his books signed, including his new one. I was totally fangirling all over the place. He must've thought that I was so weird. If you, (dare I say it), don't know who Dan Savage is, look up the 'It Gets Better Project' on YouTube. Or you can just google it. Be sure to go to the website too. And if you're not from the U.S. of A., then don't worry. It's international. ****I also met Terry Miller. (Dan' Husband in Canada, and boyfriend in America.) He's kind of really hot. I was staring at his ass most of the time... They now ALSO have my email. Terry said he'd email me, but I don't think he will he _said_ he would though... I also got personally invited to a luncheon where Dan will be speaking by the VP of Equality Illinois. (why is it that only gay guys give me their numbers?)**

**Any ideas you guys have for future chapters will be added in! Please Review!**


	3. Of Sour Cream, Onions, and Hormones

_**Month 2**_

_**Thursday, February 14, 1980**_

"Did he actually _faint_?" James' gleeful voice made me wince. I glared at him as Lily snickered at his side. They had Flooed over right after Remus had thrown a glass of iced tea in my face, and repeated that he was about a month pregnant. When I asked if he was sure it was mine, he told me that, no he wasn't positive, but he was pretty damn sure. And then he had slapped me and told me just because he had married a whore, it didn't mean that he was one too. And when I told him that I wasn't a whore, he said that I was right. I was right and he was wrong. Whores got paid.

Peter smirked and let out a snort of laughter. "Typical, Padfoot… I just knew that you were going to pass out."

"You're so adorable…" Lily laughed, and laid her head on James' shoulder. I scowled at their cuteness….

"_You actually FAINTED?_"

"It isn't funny." I growled through clenched teeth. Stupid Lily adoring, prank loving, glasses wearing, Quidditch playing, Wanker. Doesn't he know that it's not nice to make fun of people? I should _really_ tell Lily that her precious little Jamsie Waimsie Prongsie Poo used to wet his bed up until third year…

"This is hilarious!" James exclaimed. "Did you do one of those old Muggle black and white film star swoons? Or was it, like, the kind that looks like you got hit on the back of the head with a cast iron skillet?"

"I swear to God, James-"

"It was the kind that looked like he got hit on the back of the head with a cast iron skillet." I glared at Remus who smirked… the traitor. He laughed and handed me a bottle of Firewhisky. Mmmm… Firewhiskey… I decided to forgive him. But just this once…

Peter started to laugh and ended up snorting firewhiskey up his nose. While he and James left in search of paper towels (sometimes they seemed to forget that they could use magic) Remus sat on my knee and leaned against my chest. I wrapped my arms around his thin waist. It was just so hard to imagine that, in only a few weeks, I would actually be able to _see_ my baby start to grow inside of Remus. It would be nice to have a son. A little boy who I could teach how to fly and how to play Quidditch… who I could give advice to about girls (or boys with parents like me and Moony. _Especially _Moony.)… I could teach him how to play pranks and pass on the Maraudering Legacy. I wanted to give him the Marauder's Map too, but _someone_ (*Glares at James*) turned it in to fucking _Filch_ to impress some _girl._ (*Glares at Lily*) …_Anyway,_ the _point_ was that I really, really, _really_ wanted a boy. I honestly don't care if it's brain dead, and I don't care if it's limbless as long as it has a penis… I also hope that Moony can't _really_ read my mind (no matter how much he pretends that he can) because he would have smacked me upside the head so hard for thinking that.

"So what sex are you hoping the baby will turn out to be?" Lily wrapped her arms around her own slightly rounded belly. "James and I were actually thinking that it would be nice to have a girl."

"Oh, we don't care as long as it's healthy-"

"We want a boy."

Remus glared at me. "_Sirius_!"

"What?" I shrugged.

Remus' bony palm jabbed at my crotch. I winced. I _needed _that particular part of my anatomy. And judging from multiple past experiences so does my marvelous mooning Moony.

Lily laughed. "You two are so cute together." She smiled indulgently at Remus. "You'll make a great… um… Mummy."

Remus laughed. "I will, wont I?" He kissed my cheek. "And Siri will make an absolutely _wonderful_ father."

And that's when James and Peter walked back into the living room and stupid Prongs started to laugh so hard that he started to cry. And so then I was forced to leap to my feet like an extremely graceful cat (and accidentally knocking Remus to the floor and into Peter who spilled the rest of his firewhiskey onto Remus' favorite cream rug) and send an impressively powerful Bat Bogey Hex at James' face. James then had to clutch at his face and howl whilst I laughed manically. Then Lily had to fix James with the counter curse, and drag him into the fireplace whilst he swore to get his revenge on my sorry arse. Which is just ridiculous, because my arse is actually very proud and not at all sorry in the least. And then Peter appaperated away before Remus could murder him for staining his precious rug with alcohol.

"That was completely unnecessary." Remus grinned at me, despite his chiding.

"It was worth it." I kissed Remus as hard as I could. "Can't believe I'm going to be an actual _Dad_."

"A _wonderful_ Dad..." Remus murmured against my lips.

"I… I wanna be the best father in the world. I wanna be cool… And I wanna be there… I wanna…" I searched for the right words to express my feelings. And then it came to me. "I wanna be the Mick Jagger of Fatherhood!"

Remus jerked away from me and stared at me with bugging eyes. "The WHAT?"

"Well figuratively speaking…"

Remus shook his head slowly and walked away. He came back two minutes later holding something behind his back. "By the way Sirius… do you know what day it is today?"

"Ummm…" I thought about it for a moment. "Hump day?"

Moony smiled, shook his head and brought out a bouquet of pale pink snapdragons from behind his back. "Happy Valentines Day, Padfoot."

"Snapdragons?" I took the flowers from Remus' outstretched hand and buried my nose into the fragrant petals. "Moony! These are my favorite."

"I know." Remus shrugged. "I… I'm guessing you didn't get me anything?" He tried to sound casual but failed. Epically. He had an epic fail.

I felt a pang of guilt in my chest. "I'm so sorry Moonshine…" I stood up and wrapped my arms around his waist. "I'll make it up to you. I promise."

"Make it up to me now…" Remus' lips brushed my ear with every word. "Make love to me Sirius. Make me scream your name…" _Damn_. I _loved_ it when he talked like that…all sweet and sexy and delicious. It was almost as good as gillyweed or some really strong alcohol. (Like that 'Dragon's Blood Vodka'. None of that wimpy Firewhiskey for _me,_ thank you very much.) So I squeezed Moony's arse with both my hands, and led him into our bedroom where I proceeded to ravish him senseless.

_**Friday, February 15, 1980**_

When I woke up the next morning, I nearly cried with relief. I had the day off! … And then I remembered that Remus worked, and I nearly cried with disappointment. Until I remembered that he didn't have to go in until four and so I was happy… and then I remembered that, that meant that I would have to cook my own dinner. And then I really _did_ cry. Until I remembered muggle take out… That I had to pay for with muggle money that I didn't have. _Dammit_!

"Mm… Padders? Why're you doing up so early?" I felt Remus move beside me and I glanced over to see him blinking up at me with sleepy eyes. I smiled softly. Moony just looked so friggin' _adorable_ in the mornings. With his mussed up hair and his pink mouth yawning and his blinky eyes… he was just too cute.

"Time zone." I whispered. "It messed up my sleeping pattern."

"Go back to sleep." Remus sighed happily and snuggled into me so that his head was on my chest and our limbs were tangled. I loved mornings like this… when both of us could sleep in and cuddle for as long as we liked… it was perfection. After about an hour of nothing but snuggling, Remus spoke again. "Padders?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm so happy…" Remus sighed. I could feel him smiling against my chest. "I've always wanted a baby… ever since I was a little boy. My Mum used to say that when all the other boys in our village where I grew up were playing Vampire and Werewolf Hunter or Quidditch on their toy brooms, I was in my tree house playing 'House'." He suddenly laughed. "I- haha- I remember dressing up in my Gramma's old apron and almost burning down the house one time! My baby- err… I mean my Teddy Bear, Mr. Kerfluffles, fell into the toilet and I tried to dry him off by putting him in the muggle gas oven… Merlin, I was such a stupid kid…"

I stared down at Moony. "Why in the name of Merlin's saggy left testicle would you put a _Teddy Bear_ in an oven?"

Remus smiled sheepishly. "Like I said, I was a stupid kid."

"I find it hard to believe that you could _ever_ be stupid, Moony."

"Kiss ass."

"Really? Turn over."

Remus laughed and smooched me lightly on my lips. I deepened the kiss, pressing my hands onto Remus' lower back and sighing. "God, I love you so much Moony…"

Remus grinned. "I love you too, you silly mutt." He kissed me again, before rolling off of me and getting out of bed. I grinned when I saw his naked body stretching in front of me. Last night's events were still fresh in my mind and the sight of Remus' bare pale arse with my still reddish handprint on it made me want to relive that memory right. That. _Second. _And then I realized that Remus wasn't coming back to bed… he was _walking away from it_! This just could _not_ do. This could not do at _all_.

"Wait, wait, _wait_!" I grabbed Remus' arm. "Where you think your going?"

"Um… to the bathroom?"

"What about Good Morning Sex?" I demanded.

Remus just looked at me blankly. "What about it?"

"_Why aren't we fucking_?"

Remus gave me a look that clearly said '_I'm going to ignore what you just said, because if I don't then I will do something very harmful to your naughty parts_', or he could just have been passing gas. Anyway, it was one of those two.

"I'm going to go throw up now." Remus said bluntly and walked into the bathroom. Two seconds later there was a retch and a splatter. I cringed. "Sirius, would you come in here for a moment, please?" Remus called pleasantly like he hadn't just peen puking his guts out just a second ago. I slowly walked into the bathroom door and nearly stepped in a puddle of sick. I resisted the urge to gag and looked up at Moony. He was sitting the closed toilet seat and staring dejectedly at his mess. "I missed." He sighed. "And I feel awful…" Remus looked up at me with his eyebrows and the corners of his mouth pulled down. "Would… would you mind cleaning this up? I _really_ need to take a hot shower right now…"

"Of course." I stepped over the vomit and pulled Remus into my arms. "Take as long as you'd like Do you want me to call Beau for you? Tell him that you'll be taking the day off?"

"No." Remus shook his head. "I'll be fine. Why don't you go fix us some breakfast?" He smiled brightly at me.

"Okay…" I quickly kissed Remus' lips ignoring the taste of vomit, **(A/N: Ewwwwwwwwwwww! *shudders*) **and quickly left the bathroom before I gagged and added to the mess on the bathroom floor.

When I came back in the bathroom with my wand, which I had rescued from the bottom of the fish tank (_don't_ ask), the mirrors were all fogged up and I could hardly see two feet in front of myself because of the steam. Moony was singing. He _always_ sang in the shower. Not that I minded of course… Moony always had the prettiest voice. And an _amazing _range. I mean, one minute he could sound almost exactly like Joan Jett, and the next he could pull a perfect, clear, countertenor. He was perfect.

"I wanna be your Lover! I wanna be the only one that makes you come running! I wanna be your Lover! I wanna turn you on, turn you out, something something something shout! OH, Lover-"**(1)**

"Moony?" I cut Moony off mid-song. "You need anything?"

"Can you get me a washcloth?" Remus called. "And a new bar of soap? This one is all mushy…" Remus started to sing again, obviously thinking I was leaving. "Sing with me, sing for the year! Sing for the laugh, sing for the tear! Sing with me, if it's just for today, maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away! Dream on! Dream on! Dream on! Dream until the dream come true! Dream on! Dream on! Dream on! Dream until your dream comes true!" **(2)**

I sat on the closed toilet seat and listened to Remus' voice. I loved it. I loved it more then anything. It was silky, and clear like a bell. Like crystal. Or like something else that's really see through. I loved it even more than I loved my perfect hair. Or gillyweed. Or alcohol. Or even _sex_- wait… never mind.

"Dream on! Dream on! Drea- Padders, are you still in here? I can _hear_ you breathing…"

"I'm just listening to you sing. Calm down." I smiled when I heard Remus sigh.

"Just get me a washcloth, Siri."

"_Fine_. I can tell when I'm not wanted…" I stood up and was about to stalk out the door when my foot landed in something that was… really _quite_ revolting. I closed my eyes and prayed to Merlin that I hadn't _really_ stepped in Remus' vomit puddle. Unfortunately, Merlin wasn't really listening to that particular prayer…

My whole body convulsed as I tried not to add to the puddle. I scrougified the floor two times and then I started on my foot. "_Scrougify! Scrougify! Scrougify!_"

"Padders are you alright?"

"_Scrougify! Scrougify! _Oh, I'm just _peachy_. _Scrougify!_"

"Wh- what are you _doing_ out there?" Remus stuck his head out from behind the shower curtain and peered at me suspiciously through a mop of soapy hair. "Are you talking to yourself again?"

"No! I am not bloody _talking_ to myself again." I snapped. "I just bloody stepped in your bloody sick!"

"If you say the word 'bloody' _one more time,_ I'll bloody well bloody you!" Remus narrowed his eyes at me.

"_Bloody_!" I yelled. "_Bloody, Bloody, Bloody, and a THOUSAND times bloody_! _Bloody _shit! _Bloody_ tits! _Bloody _ass! _Bloody _bitch and BLOODY FUCK! Bloo-"

"STOP SAYING 'BLOODY'!" Remus screeched.

I didn't like being yelled at, so I flushed the toilet. Two minutes later, Remus let out a girlish shriek and leapt out of the shower, slipped, and landed on his arse. Hard. I laughed. And pointed. I pointed and laughed. Hysterically.

Ten minutes later I was locked outside the flat as a Dog. "_Hnnnnnn_…" I whined and scratched at the door softly, making sure not to scratch the ugly blue paint. If our Sqibbish landlady even s_uspected _that there was an animal living in our flat (excluding Moony when we got it on… _rawr_!) we would probably get kicked out and have to live on the streets. Or, like, at Prongs' place in Godric's Hollow or whatever. I honestly didn't think that Remus would like living with Peter in his Mum's basement though. I whined again.

"_No_ Padfoot." Remus' voice was muffled. It sounded like he was eating something. It had better not have been my special sour cream and onion crisps… "I'm not letting you back in here until you've learned your lesson."

It was going to be a loooong lesson…

**Later at around 3:40 pm**

I lay sprawled on the couch and attempted to look pathetic (I'm rather sexy when I'm pathetic) while Moony bustled around the living room looking for his socks. (They were on his feet.)

"Siri, have you seen my socks?"

"No." I tried to pout. "Can't you just forget about your socks and work and stay home with me today?"

"Padders, I need to go to the shop. Now help me find my socks or I'll be late."

"_Please_ Moony!" I begged. "I just got back from bloo- " Remus fixed me with a hard look. "I mean… I just got back from America. Show me some sympathy!"

Remus scowled at me and put his hand on his hip. "I've been the one throwing up every morning for the past week because I'm carrying your offspring Sirius. If _anyone_ around here deserves _any_ sympathy, it's _me_."

Remus had a point… damn it. Why did he always have to be right? "Sorry, Babes. I am very grateful _and _sympathetic to the fact that you are knocked up with my progeny. Come on… give us a kiss."

Remus smiled softly and walked over to me so he could peck my forehead. "You know that I wish that I could stay home… but Beau _needs _me. He's hopeless without me."

"But _I _need you too!" I exclaimed. "I'm _hopeless_ without you!"

"Stop being such a baby." Remus whispered.

" 'M not a baby…"

"You're right." Remus kissed my nose. "You're _my_ baby…"

_**Monday, February 18, 1980**_

The next couple of days were normal… well normal enough. Remus threw up, I went to work, he went to work, we had dinner, I tried to convince Moony to have sex with me… same old, same old. Then it occurred to us that we hadn't yet gotten our new Furry (maybe) Little (not in nine months!) Problem (If Moony heard me say that I'd get smacked with a rolled up newspaper) checked out yet so we made an appointment with Lily and James' Healer, Healer Quaggy.

I have never seen so many pregnant people in one place before in my entire life… Pregnant men… pregnant women… pregnant teens… pregnant 'I can't tell what gender you are, but I'm just going to assume you're a bird's… there were just a _lot _of pregnant people here at Kazam's Pregnancy clinic.

"Sirius, look at this! It says here that the average person gains twenty-six and a half pounds during pregnancy."

"Really?"

"Mm-hm… seven and a half is the sprog, one and a half is placenta, one and three fourths is the amniotic fluid, two and three fourths are maternal blood volume, and three pounds is water." Remus read this all from the magazine with a look of awe on his face.

I frowned. "But… that only adds up to sixteen and a half pounds… where does the rest come from?"

"I dunno…" Remus shrugged and beheaded a chocolate frog.

'_Ohhh…'_

We sat in silence for a few more minutes, holding hands and flipping through old Pregnancy Magazines. Soon a youngish looking woman that seemed to be about thirtyish came up to us. "Mister and Mister Black?"

"It's Lupin, actually." Remus smiled and shook the Woman's hand. "I kept my own last name."

The woman glanced down at her clipboard and laughed sheepishly. "Ah… that makes much more sense… I'm Healer Fitzwhickerson, Healer Quaggy's new partner."

Remus frowned, looking worried. "I thought that Healer Quaggy was supposed to be my Healer…"

Healer Fitzwhickerson smiled in reassurance. "Oh, she's at St. Mungo's… She asked me to see you two today, and if it's all right with you, I'll be your Obstetrician during this pregnancy."

Remus nodded slowly. "What are your… _qualifications_?"

I raised my eyebrow. Remus was usually a lot more tactful then that. "Love, it's not polite to ask a Healer where she got her Healers degree ten seconds after you met her."

Remus looked at me blankly. "I didn't."

Healer Fitzwhickerson laughed. "Oh, it's alright Mister Black… you just misunderstood." She turned to Remus. "I have three children, ages five, seven, and ten, two of them were natural, the other was a C-section. And I'm told that I have very warm hands."

"…Alright then." Remus stood up and followed Healer Fitzwhickerson out of the waiting room. When he was about a foot away from me, Moony turned back. "Aren't you coming Pads? You do know that you need to be there too."

"Oh, right." I put my magazine down and followed Remus and the Healer. By the time I reached the room that they were in, Moony was already sitting on a white cot with his shirt pulled up around his armpits. I sat in the chair that was parked next to the cot and squeezed Remus' hand. He smiled at me and kissed my forehead. "I love you…"

"I love you too, Pads." Remus flinched and grimaced when the loud snap of a rubber glove filled the room.

"Now, Mister Lupin-"

"Call me Remus."

"Alright, Remus. I assure you that this wont hurt a bit." Healer Fitzwhickerson brought an eerily long needle to Remus' arm. "But you may feet a little sting…"

"_OUCH!_"

"I'm sorry. Are you alright?"

"Yes… yes I'm fine. Don't worry." Remus smiled at Healer Fitzwhickerson. "Go right ahead."

Healer Fitzwhickerson nodded slowly and brought the needle back to Remus' skin. "It's really rare that I get a reaction like that from a patient when I draw blood." Healer Fitzwhickerson glanced at me. "And it's even rarer when that reaction comes from said patient's Husband…"

Remus looked at me and then at my hand, which was squeezing his to death. "Sirius has always been very sensitive to my pain."

"Is it over yet?"

"No Love. Not yet." Remus laughed. I scowled. Could I help it that I wanted to somehow siphon all the pain that my Moony went through out of him and endure it all by myself? The least that I could do is take in the pain of a needle prick, because God knows (judging from the 'A Child Is Born' book that Moony made me read) I wont be able to take in the pain of childbirth. Like… at all.

Soon after that Remus was pulling his shirt back down and I was shaking Healer Fitzwhickerson's hand. "So you two can come back in a month, and we'll check the baby's heartbeat."

Remus beamed at her. "Really? Oh _Merlin,_ this is really happening, isn't it?"

"I know how you feel…" I wrapped my arms around Moony's waist and kissed his neck. "Just think! In a few months we're going to be Parents. We're going to have a little boy-" Remus glared at me. "-_Or _girl padding around the house to play with, and take care of… and feed… and clean up after… and watch every bloody second leaving us no time to do things that we want to do and taking up all of our free time… and keep us up all night with their screaming… and… and… Moony! We're going to be _parents_!"

"Oh God!" A devastated look came over Remus' face and his eyes started to fill with tears. "Padders, how could you _do_ this to me? I thought you loved me!"

"Don't blame me! It's your own fault for looking so damn sexy all the time!"

_**Sunday, February 24, 1980**_

Now, I knew for a fact that Remus and his Sister barely got on at all. Romulet (or Rom for short) was six years older then Remus, owned a successful Wedding Planning business, and was single, which Silvia Lupin (Remus' mother) never grew tired of pointing out. From what I knew, this caused a lot of stress between Romulet and Remus.

"I should tell her." Remus muttered as he almost literally paced a hole in our living room rug, avoiding Peter's Firewhiskey stain. "I should really tell Rom I'm pregnant…"

"Why don't you?" I muttered, trying to hear the Quidditch game on the radio over Remus' constant fretting. I eyed his arse as he walked past me again. It's been looking absolutely scrumptious these past few days… he's been gaining lately and now his bum looks positively juicy. I'd _tap_ that.

"Have you _met_ my mother? She'll rip Rom apart… going on and on about how I'm married and pregnant and she's still all childless, single, and living alone…"

"Well, then _don't_ tell her."

"_How can you be so insensitive_?" Ah… so _there_ were the hormones James told me about. "Rom is my _sister_! _How can I not tell her_?"

Remus ended up flooing Rom about ten minutes later. He sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the fireplace and stuck his head in. I sat on the couch and listened to his side of the conversation. "Romi… its Remmie. Yeah, I'm fine... he's good to." Remus glanced over his shoulder at me. "Rom says 'hello'- yes, I'm still here. Listen, I called because I have big news… no, I didn't find a cure… no- Romi, I- _EW_! Romi, _listen_ to me. Listen! LIST-…_really?_ That's so cool… did it explode? Mondo Bummer… anyway- yes I _did_ floo for a reason… ready? Romi? I'm Pregnant."

There was a very long pause.

"SO?" I demanded, making Remus nearly jump out of his skin. "_How is she reacting_?"

A slightly sour and amused look crossed over Remus' face. "I don't know… I'm waiting for her to stop laughing." I raised my eyebrow. I hadn't really expected Rom to _laugh…_ maybe shout or scream or throw herself in front of the Knight Bus or something… but not _laugh_. "WHAAAT?" I jumped at Remus' sudden yelp. "Romi… don't tell Mummy! DON'T TELL MUM-" Remus stopped talking, sighed and turned to me. "Rom is going to owl Mummy and tell her that I'm pregnant. Be prepared."

I grimaced. I loved Silvia Lupin, I really did… but I loved her so much more _before_ I married Remus. When I married Moony, his mother sort of turned into _my_ mother too… sure she doted and such, but she also distanced herself. Silvia Lupin was like a She-wolf fiercely protecting her Puppy. If Remus had a bruise because he bumped his head or something, she would automatically think that _I_ had something to do with it. She _used _to be one of those ridiculously cool Mums. I remember in Fifth Year after we… okay _I_ turned Snivillus into a cute white Bunny Rabbit, McGonagall got so mad that she requested a meeting with all our mothers. This was before I left home, so my dear old Mumsie was there. So basically Me, my cold Ice Queen of a mother, James, his smart chic mother, Peter, his plump doting baking mother, Snivillus, his tired bruised looking mother, Remus, Slughorn and McGonagall were stuck in a room together and all our mothers are absolutely fuming. (Well, all our mothers not including Peter's, because she couldn't understand how her 'Precious Petey could _possibly_ be involved in mischief making', and Remus' Mum, because she wasn't there yet) And in the middle of the meeting, Dumbledore comes into the office, and this fortyish, ridiculously short woman swaggers in. She was wearing no make-up, had a smelly cigarette between two of her fingers, ragged trainers, ripped paint-splattered jeans, and a baggy brown t-shirt that had '_DAMN, I'M GOOD'_ written on in yellow letters. Silvia then marched right up to McGonagall, shook her hand while saying, 'Sorry I was so late. I had absolutely _no_ idea how to get here… I'm a Muggle you know.' And then sat down between Mrs. Potter and my Mum. It was bloody amazing.

Silvia Lupin wasn't strictly beautiful. She was skinny as hell, her hair was a long, tangled, and unmanageable mass of brown, she had a wide, smiling mouth, which showed off her endearing gap that was between her two front teeth, a slightly largish nose and happy hazel eyes that that squinted when she smiled, and she had a wicked sense of humor rivaled only by her love of Roman Mythology. So, physically… she was _no _veela by any means, but her soul and personality shone through and _that's _what made her the worlds sexiest Mum. Remus looked just like her, except he had his father's hair texture and quiet personality. Rom looked just like her Dad, but was truly her mother's daughter personality-wise.

I was lucky that Remus had warned me to be prepared, because two hours later there was a loud pounding on our front door. "Oh, sweet Merlin, help us…" I muttered and went to the door. Opening it I saw the frightening and intimidating sight of Moony's mum glaring at me.

"You. Got. My. _Son._ PREGNANT? How did this even happen?"

"Hello Silvia."

"Don't you 'hello Silvia' _me,_ you horrid little man." Silvia Lupin snapped and pushed past me. "Where's my Remus?"

"I think he's in the bathroom-"

"I'm right here Mum." Moony said quietly from behind me. I turned around and saw that Remus had changed clothes, so that he looked a tad neater. "How are you?"

"Well, I _was_ in the middle of a pedicure at a very nice shop when your sisters _owl _ swoops in and drops an_ exploding letter_ in my lap. It screamed at me, exploded, and then your _Ministry_ people come in and wipe everyone's memory." Silvia Lupin glared at me as if _I_ had something to with it.

The corner of Remus' mouth twitched slightly. "What did the letter say?"

"It told me that my _son_ was bloody _pregnant_." Silvia exclaimed. "When I told your Ministry people, they only said 'congratulations'! Are men _actually_ able to get pregnant?"

"Yes and no." Remus smiled and gently placed his ands on his stomach. "It's part of a new branch of human transfiguration. See they turn the seminal vesicles and bulbourethral glands into ovaries and other female reproduction glands. An opening in the anus allows the semen to get into the ovaries, thus, men can get pregnant."

"… _what_?"

"Could you dumb it down a bit, Love?"

Remus sighed. "They put lady bits inside of me."

Silvia gaped, and leant against the door, rubbing her eyes tiredly. "When did they do that?"

"About a week before mine and Sirius' wedding."

"Ah… so _that's_ why you were so nauseous…"

"No, I was nauseous because you fed me dairy. Not because of the surgery. You know I can't eat dairy."

"Yes, well…" Silvia looked awkward for a moment, before walking into the living room and sitting down on the couch.

"Mum… Mummy?" Remus sat down next to her. "You don't seem very happy about this."

Silvia sighed. "To be perfectly blunt, I'm not."

The look on Remus' face was devastating. "Well, I'm sorry. I'd think that you'd be happy to-"

"Happy? _Happy_? _Why_ would I be _happy_ about becoming a GRANDMOTHER?" Both Remus and I jumped as Silvia Lupin jumped to her feet and loomed over the couch. "Being a _Grandmother_ is for OLD people! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?"

"I'm sorry…?"

"I'm so _old_…." Silvia Lupin sunk to her knees in a sobbing heap. "I'm like the _crypt keeper_…."

Feeling a wee bit left out I escaped into the kitchen with a copy of Witch Weekly. (It was _Moony's_… I'm not _that _gay…) I guess that I had fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, Moony was shaking my shoulder, and telling me to wake up so that I could go to bed.

_**Thursday, February 28, 1980**_

Work was pretty uneventful… at first. I didn't tell any one about mine and Moony's Little Bundle of Joy quite yet, but _somehow_ everyone found out about it. (_Lily, _you fucking _gossip…_) I had, like, twenty people come up to me and tell me 'congratulations!' and then walk off. After the fourth or fifth time I was getting pretty damned annoyed. At my office that I shared with Greg Harris there were, like fifty-three chocolates, and cards and balloons and all _kinds_ of shit. I could barely get to my desk because of al the clutter. When I finally reached my desk I shoved everything off and slumped.

"CONGRAGULATIONS!" I jumped. I was _not_ expecting Greg to jump out from behind a giant Teddy Bear. " 'Ello mate! 'Ello DAD! Congra-"

"If _one more person_ tells me 'congratulations', I will hex them until they are nothing but a worthless, pathetic pile of slimy green goo."

"Sorry." Greg grinned at me and sat on my desk. "So how does it feel?"

"How does _what_ feel?"

"You know… finding out you were going to be a dad and shit."

I sighed. "I found out, like, two weeks ago."

"And you didn't tell me?" Greg's voice was slightly offended.

I opened my mouth to justify my reasons for not telling Greg, but then was interrupted by Arthur Weasley carrying a large stack of what looked like baby books. "Congratulations, Sirius!" He exclaimed happily. "I just dropped a muggle, who had a bad encounter with a possessed rocking chair, over at St. Mungo's and that Lily Potter told me the good news!"

"Thanks…" I found myself staring at the huge pile of books that were now on my desk. "What's… what's this?"

"Oh, I just flooed my wife, and she set these over. They're really quite useful…"

"'_How To Make Pregnancy as Easy as Possible For Your Pregnant Wife: A Guide for a Quick, Easy, and Drama-less Pregnancy'"_ Greg stared at the cover of one of the books. "Arthur, what the bloody hell is this?"

"Your salvation."

_**Tuesday, March 10, 1980**_

For Remus' birthday, I decided to throw a surprise party slash baby shower for him. I got Lily to take him out to some muggle movie showing all day, while me, Prongs, and Wormy all decorated the living room at my flat. Well, we all acted like stupid idiots and threw paper streamers around while we blew up yellow balloons…

When he got back with Lily, we were still decorating. So the 'Surprise' part was sort of a fail… but Remus loved it. "You guys…" Remus gave us a watery smile. "You are so sweet."

"No problem Moony!" James grinned at him.

Remus stared at us for a few more moments then, quite suddenly, burst into loud tears. I was the first one to move. I ran to my Moony and him into a tight hug. "Remy? Remy, I'm sorry! This was all my idea! I thought it would make you happy!"

"I _am _happy!"

"_Then why are you crying_?"

"I don't know!" Remus wailed, and started to sob even harder.

I held the hysterical lycanthropic pregnant person in my arms and sent a panicked look toward James and Peter. 'What do I do?' I mouthed urgently. Peter glanced at James who shrugged. "You guys are the best friends ever!" Remus cried. His voice was muffled by my shirt. A few minutes later, Remus calmed down (_finally_), and let go of me and sent Peter, Lily, and James. "I love you all!"

"Aw! We love you too, Moons…" Peter smiled and gently squeezed his shoulder.

"Oh, Wormy…" Remus flung himself onto Peter's shoulder. "You are such a good friend… you know? You've been one of my _best friends_ since first year! You was _there_ for me when I needed a friend and you _accepted _me. You became an _illegal animangus _for me, and you know that you're absolute _pants_ at transfiguration. You risked your _life_ for me!" Remus sunk to his knees crying loudly. "I just love you so much!"

"Moony?"

"I'm just so _overcome_ with _love_!"

"Babes, are you alright?"

"I'm _fine_!" Moony wailed.

James and I exchanged a glance, while Lily kneeled next to Remus and helped him to his feet. After the pregnant people had disappeared into the kitchen for Ice Cream, Peter stared, horrified, at me. "What the bloody Hell was _that_?"

"Pete… when a woman… or man… Pete, when a _person_ is Pregnant they get a load of things called hormones. These hormones make the Pregnant people all over emotional and-"

"Wait, I thought that hormones made people horny?"

"Hey, I'm just repeating what the Healer told me." I shrugged. "I don't know what I'm talking about…"

"And how is that new?"

Stupid Prongs…

_**Saturday, March 14, 1980**_

I think that God may have a really ironic sense of humor, because pregnancy has made Moony really, really… _really_ horny. Prongs says that it's the hormones, but _whatever it is_, it needs to stop. I always thought that it would be bloody amazing to have a Moony that's _always_ just _super ready_ for _sex_, but after the eighth or ninth time that day I was feeling pretty bloody exhausted.

"C'mon Pads… faster, harder… c'mon…"

"I'm _trying_!"

"C'mon Pads! Fuck me like a _man_! Give our child a _twin_!"

As Remus jumped on me again I thought that my dick was about to fall off. "Moony… Moony… Stop. Please…"

"What's the matter?" Remus stopped rocking, and looked down at me curiously.

"I can't do this…." I groaned and sat up. "You know that I love you, but too much of a good thing is _too much_."

"Are you… are you saying that you don't want to have sex with me anymore?"

I grimaced at the look on Remus' face. "Not _ever_ again… just for a couple of nights…" I trailed off when I saw the furious look on Moony's face.

"Fine." He snapped. "_Fine_. Lets see how you like fucking your right hand for the next few months!" Remus got out of bed, pulled on a robe, and snatched up the bag of sour cream and onion crisps that he now carried with him _everywhere_.

"I'm going to James'." I muttered and stood up. I did _not_ feel like dealing with this right now…

""Fine." Remus snapped again, and turned his back to me. "Buy some more Floo Powder while you're out." He stalked out of the bedroom and slammed the door behind him. It was really rather anti-climatic, seeing as the door swung right back open. I lamented Stupid hormonal werewolves, and pregnancy induced mood swings, and the loss of my beloved sour cream and onion crisps.

**Five / Ten Minutes Later…**

Have I ever mentioned my extreme hatred for the Knight bus? Well, if I haven't yet I think that the Knight Bus is the worst invention in the world… it's even worse then those muggle Cuckoo Clocks. I have a theory about Cuckoo Clocks… they watch you and are just waiting for the _perfect_ moment to peck out your eyes with their tiny pointy beaks and replace them with miniature nests with Cuckoo Bird eggs and with little Cuckoo fetus' inside just _waiting_ to hatch and peck out some other poor unsuspecting person's eyes out.

I was jolted out of my Evil Cuckoo Clock induced fantasies when the Knight bus screeched to a stop and I fell to the disturbingly sticky floor. It was… disgusting. And that was an understatement. It was beyond disgusting. It was revolting. Unusually revolting. Like an inside out nostril, or Slughorn naked and singing 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' while dancing on a pole or something. I closed my eyes and thought about pleasant things. Waffles… pranks… gillyweed… alcohol… sex… Moony… sex with Moony… _oh yeah_. That was a _very_ pleasant thought… oh wait… I'm supposed to be mad at Remus. Never mind then.

"Here's your stop, Mister Black. Godric's Hollow." The icky Driver leered at me with yellow, crooked teeth. "I'd love to have you ride again…" _'Um… ew.' _I shuddered. This guy really needed to get fired. There was this guy who worked at the Ministry in the Department of Muggle and Magical Transportation who would be much more suited for this job. His name was Ernie Prang… yes. He would make a _much_ more agreeable Driver… I hurried off of the accursed bus and up James and Lily's driveway. I walked up to the door and started knocking.

"NO ONE'S HOME!"

'_Dang it_…' I scowled and turned around, reaching into my pocket to pull out my want to summon the Knight Bus again. I _would've_ just appaperated or something but yesterday Moony read me an article in the Prophet about this bloke who appaperated and left all of his internal organs… it would be a right shame if I- wait a hot second… _how_ can someone say that there's no one home if there's _no one home_? I ran back up to the door.

"Prongs you Wanker!" I _know_ you're in there!"

"… No I'm not. This is just… a recording? Yes. This is just a recording. Please leave your message after the beep. _Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-_" I kicked the door as hard as I could. "_OW_!" The door swung open. "What the hell was that for, you bloody tosser?" James shouted as he stood in the doorway and rubbed his foot and glared at me.

"Aha! I _knew _that you were really home! You're not getting rid of _me_ that easily… why are you staring at me like that?" James just shook his head and opened the door wider so that I could come in. I pushed past him and walked inside. "Nice pad, Kid!"

"Stop acting like you've never been here before." James grumbled, following me. I ignored him.

"Where's Evans?"

James scowled. "It's _Potter_ now. You were Best Man at the wedding. You should know this… And she's at your place. Moony sent her one of those weird Patronus things begging her to come over."

I frowned. "Really?"

"Yeah… what happened? Did you two get into a fight or something?"

"Well…" I paused. "I don't really know. Remus was freaking out because I have no… _stamina _left, if you know what I mean."

James sighed sympathetically, (I think) and parked me on the couch. Sitting across from me, James fixed me with the exact same look that my Uncle Alphard fixed me with right before he gave me _The Talk_. (Scarred me for life, that did.) "Pads…" James said, staring at me. "You have _a lot_ to learn, my friend…"

'**I Wanna Be Your Lover' by Prince**

'**Dream On' by Aereosmith**

**SORRY THIS IS LATE! I AM THE SLOWEST TYPER IN EXISTANCE! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!**

**FWI, THIS WILL **_**NOT**_** BE ABANDONED! I AM JUST SLOw… dang Caps lock… Ah, well… I'm not typing that again…**

**Any Ideas you guys have for future chapters will be added in! Please Review!**


	4. In The Face

_**Saturday, March 14, 1980**_

When I finally got home that night at around half-past-really-friggin'-late, I found Remus sitting up at the kitchen table evidently waiting for me. He was sitting up straight, but his eyes were closed and soft snores filled the quiet kitchen. There was a half empty mug of coffee and a crumpled napkin with a bagel on it was sitting in front of him. I smiled fondly at Remus… he looked so sweet and unthreatening. "Moooonyyyyy…." I reached over and started shake Remus' shoulder. "Wakie, wakie…"

Remus' eyes slowly blinked open and he stared at me, before jumping to his feet in alarm. "S-Sirius! I'm so _sorry_ about earlier…"

"Don't worry about it, Moony-" I began to lean in for a kiss, but he pushed me away.

"No. I shouldn't have over reacted like that… it's just that I've been feeling so bloody _off_ lately… it's these darn _hormones_." Remus' eyes started to fill with tears, and I resisted the urge to roll my own. "I'm _so hungry all the time_! But then I just puke it all up… and I _keep crying_… and my _nipples_ hurt! And I just found out that my favorite jeans _don't fit me_ anymore… and I'll just keep getting _fatter_ even though my arse is already big _enough_! And there are _big blue ugly veins_ all over _my thighs_, and-"

"_Remus_." I said sharply, and he looked up at me in surprise. "You're still bloody _gorgeous_. Pregnancy hasn't changed that, so calm down."

"But… but the _veins_-"

"Don't matter. They're _hardly_ even noticeable." I lied. _What_? It looked like there was a friggin' _road map_ on his legs. I was just glad that it was March, and far too cold for shorts.

_**Tuesday, March 17, 1980**_

When I got home from work I found the most unpleasant surprise. To be blunt… our flat smelled like shit. Then, suddenly, I heard someone playing a didgeridoo in Remus' and my bedroom. "Moony?" I slowly walked toward the bedroom. "Moony, are you in- _gghsshhhikkkk!"_ I was hit by a wall of pure unadulterated _stank_ that could choke a horse.

"Sorry." Remus whispered, and winced as a small pooting sound issued from his bum.

Struggling for breath, I cast a quick air clearing charm that Andy taught me after changing little Nymphie's diaper. "How can you not _smell_ that?"

"I wouldn't bother with the charm." Remus said quietly. "I'll just stink it right back up." He sniffled, and wiped his nose on his sleeve. "I just feel so disgusting and-" _Thrrrrraarrrt!_

I grimaced and walked over to Remus, who had hidden his head underneath a pillow. Resisting the urge to gag, I sat next to Moony, and pulled him into my lap. "Baby, hey… it's alright… its just pregnancy. Healer Fitzwhickerson said you would get gassy, remember?" I felt Remus nod against my chest, and I smiled. He may be all overemotional, and stinky, but he was still just so darn adorable! "We should go out tonight."

Moony looked up at me in surprise. "Why?"

"It's St. Patty's day." I grinned. "I know that we can't go out drinking, but I was thinking that we could have a… y'know… a _date_."

Remus gave me a watery smile. "A date? Really?" I smiled and nodded. "Padfoot… that is so _romantic…_"

I grinned. "I have my moments. Now, get dressed in something nice. This is your last chance to really dress up before you blow up like a puffer fish!"

Remus glared at me, his gorgeous golden eyes dangerously narrowed in rage. "Before I _what?_"

"Umm… I meant a really _sexy_ puffer fish…"

"Liar." Remus snapped, but a reluctant smile spread itself over his face anyway. "Now get out so that I can change."

"But I wanna watch!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Fine." He tried to ignore the sultry winks and smirks that I was giving him and started to unbutton his shirt. I whistled and Moony gave a little wiggle. Soon he was completely nude except for a pair of Beater Bats and Bludgers that he had gotten me last Christmas. I had never seen anything so _sexy_… Remus with his baby bump, wearing _my_ boxers… it was the most arousing thing I had _ever_ seen…

"Pads… stop staring at me and get dressed."

I sighed. "But you're so _beautiful_."

Remus blushed. "Just go get dressed, you Daft Mutt." Still flushing deeply, he disappeared into the bathroom with a change of clothes. I sighed and started to strip, pulling on my favorite red shirt and some black jeans. Unfortunately I could only find _one _of my shoes.

"Moony! I've lost a shoe... have you seen it anywhere?" I pushed the bathroom door open to find Moony bushing his teeth." Remus, I've lost a shoe... like this one." I held up the left shoe. "It's like this one's fellow... it's sort of the exact opposite in fact of that - not an evil version but just, you know, a shoe just like this... but for the other foot. Otherwise I'd have two left feet and-"

"Look by the front door." Remus mumbled around a mouthful of toothpaste. "By the newspaper bin."

I left the bathroom and went to find my missing left shoe. It was underneath the latest Daily Prophet. The front page caught my eyes.

_The Dark Lord Still At Large:_

_He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has become, if possible, even _more_ feared. The leader of a mass Muggle massacre in Dublin left both Magic and Muggle folk alike terrified for their lives-'_

I threw the paper aside in disgust. This Voldemort person sickened me. How can someone hate a group of people _so much_ that he killed them without a second thought? It was disgusting… and the fact that my own family supported him… I shook my head and went to find Moony. He was dressed and waiting for me in the bedroom. I decided not to mention the article.

"Let's go to the Muggle Theatre." Remus said brightly when I entered the room. "I heard that The Shining was good."

"Okay, fine."

Remus gave me an odd look. "Love, is something the matter?"

I shrugged. "No. I don't really feel like going out tonight anymore, though. Do you mind if we stay in?"

"But I want-" Remus caught the look on my face. "No, I don't mind."

_**Friday, March 20, 1980**_

Both James and Arthur told me that during your wife's (or in _my_ case, husband's) pregnancy, there is NO _RIGHT_. You will be wrong. You can be wrong, then do the opposite of what you did before and still be wrong. Evidently it's the female (or Male's) pregnant mind. I thought that they were over exaggerating… sure, Moony was more likely cry, or scream at me for not buying more milk, but it couldn't be _that_ bad… oh how wrong I was…

This morning, Remus insisted on making breakfast. Now, I'm not one to turn down a chance to sleep in an extra half hour but when I walked into the kitchen Remus was sitting on the floor bawling his eyes out.

"Babes? Moony, what's the matter?"

"I… I _burnt the toast_!" Remus wailed. "I'm sorry! I know that you _hate_ burnt toast, and I burned it! Like a _tool_!"

"Hey… hey, it's no big deal," I started to rub Remus' back. "I can eat burned toast. I don't mind. Really." I said. Those were my _exact_ words… but Remus somehow translated that into, 'You screwed up the toast! How can you screw up so many things? You can't do anything right. Even the _simplest things_ turn out awful! _You SUCK_!'

"_Well, I'm SORRY_!" Remus screamed and leapt to his feet. "_I'm sorry that we can't ALL be perfect, and brilliant and NOT PREGNANT, just like YOU SIRIUS!"_ Remus stormed out of the room, and two seconds later I heard a crash. "Fuck!"

Sighing, I walked into the bedroom where Remus was sitting on the bed sobbing. He started crying even harder when I sat down next to him and put my arm around his shaking shoulders. "What fell?"

Remus pointed to a dish that lay shattered on the floor. It used to hang on the wall. It used to belong to my Nana Irma. "It was your _Grandmother's_!" Remus wailed.

"_Good, _I fucking _hated_ that thing." I muttered, before taking Moony's face in my hands and kissing the salty tracks away. "Its fine Baby… that dish was cursed anyway. Remember it pelted peas at you the first time you tried to use it?"

Remus sniffled and nodded. "Do… do you still love me, Padders?"

I paused. "… Maybe."

Remus' eyes grew impossibly wide and shimmery. Then he burst into tears, flinging himself away from me and collapsing face down onto my pillow. I was shocked…. I couldn't believe that Moony had actually thought that I wasn't joking! "Moony? Baby? I'm so sorry! You know that I love you… it was just a really bad joke! A _terrible _joke. It was completely uncalled for!" I pulled Remus onto my lap and began to kiss his face. When I reached his lips I pried them open with my tongue and pushed Moony down onto the bed.

"Is… is this okay?" Remus panted as he fiddled with my belt buckle. "This won't hurt the baby, will it?"

"No…" I gasped as Remus' hand brushed my erection through the fabric of my pants. "It said in '_Pleasurable Sexual Intercourse During Male Pregnancy: A Guide To Absolute Pleasure During Your Partner's Pregnancy'_ that shagging is alright as long as it isn't too… rough."

Remus began to tug my shirt over my head. "Are you sure?"

"Positive…"

We quickly shed the rest of our clothes and soon we were rubbing against together. "Wait…" Remus moaned as I gently fisted his prick. "Wait… Siri…."

"Hmmm…?"

"What… what-_oh god!- _what positions… are safest for the baby?"

"…um?"

Remus pushed me away. "Go get '_Pleasurable Sexual Intercourse During Male Pregnancy: A Guide To Absolute Pleasure During Your Partner's Pregnancy_ '."

I moaned. "But Moony-"

"The sooner you get the book, the sooner we shag."

I was out of the bed a second later. I hurried over to the bookcase, grimacing at the cold air hitting my cock. I grabbed the correct book and did the boner hop back to the bed. I heard Remus giggling quietly behind me. I knew he was laughing at me… there was _no_ way at all to look attractive or sexy with a flapping boner… "Shut up."

Remus grinned at me and gestured to the book. After peering at the table of contents I turned to Chapter Sixty-Nine: (**A/N: Lawlz… 69. Get it? It's a gay Sex Book and they're on chapter Sixty Nine… Sorry. Back to the story.) **'_Comfortable Sex Positions for the Pregnant Man: How to Get the Most Comfort and Pleasure During Sex'_. "Read it." Remus insisted, laying back.

'_Many people look at sex position in pregnancy as the-'_

"Out _loud_, Sirius…"

I rolled my eyes. "_'__Many people look at sex position in pregnancy as the right one and the wrong one. And many of us have this idea that there is one right (or safe) way to have sex during pregnancy…_

'"_Nothing is further from the truth-"_ I sighed. "Moony, can we skip this part?"

"No. they might say something important."

I sighed, but continued to read. "_'There are infinite safe ways to have sex during pregnancy, and to find pregnant sex positions, depending on what kind of sex you want to have. Another problem with this line of thinking is that it is very rigid (no pun intended). Great sex requires a flexibility of thought, and a willingness to try new things when the old ones aren't working anymore._

"'_As a general rule, a good sex position for pregnant sex is one where:_

_The position allows for the kind of sex and physical contact you want to have._

"'_There are some who suggest that during a pregnant sex position both partners should also avoid putting pressure on the uterus, or a partner's full weight on a pregnant belly. Figuring out pregnancy sex positions requires some creativity, a sense of humor, and often lots of pillows. It may also mean abandoning penetration if it isn't working, and finding other ways to please each other and please yourself._

"'_If you're looking for some ideas to jumpstart all that creativity, you might want to develop your own pregnancy sex positions by exploring the sex positions game. If that seems like too much work, the following sex positions are generally considered to be more comfortable as your (or your partners) body changes during pregnancy:_

"'_The __**edge of the bed sex position**__ offers many possibilities for greater comfort during pregnancy. You can lie on the bed (on your side, or briefly on your back) at the edge of the bed and your partner can be off the bed, either on their knees or standing up. Combined with the rear entry position, you can be off the bed on your knees (with a pillow underneath them) and rest your upper torso on the bed, with your belly off the bed.-" _

"I like this one." Remus said eagerly. "Lets try it."

I grimaced… I didn't exactly fancy standing up for that long. "Lets keep reading."

"But isn't the whole point me being com-"

"'_The __**spooning sex position**__ can be a very comfortable pregnancy sex position as there is no pressure on your abdomen and you have lots of movement. Your partner can position themselves behind you at different angles to allow for penetration. Avoid lying on your right side in this position.'_ This seems good…" I muttered. "Moony what do you-"

Turning to face Remus, I found him slumped on his side fast asleep, and snoring softly. What an ego kill… was sex with me _really_ that boring? I snorted to myself. Of course it wasn't! I'm Sirius fucking Black, the Handsome, irresistibly sexy and mind blowingly Clever Ex-Heir of the Awful and Mostly Crazy House of Black! Grinning from my self-made ego boost, I climbed into bed and got underneath the covers. If I wasn't going to get any, I might as well get some more sleep.

_**Thursday March 26, 1980**_

Work a few days later was very uneventful. I told Arthur about me and Moony's recent arguments about nothing. He grimaced in understanding. "Just wait until the third trimester." Arthur muttered and walked away.

"Arthur! Wait… WAIT! _What does that mean?_"

"Good luck, Mate." Greg grinned at me. "I remember when my sister got pregnant… Holy shit… this 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named' bloke had _nothing_ on her. She was _evil._ For those nine months she was just plain _EVIL_. I remember once she yelled at me for forty minutes for not refilling the _humidifier_. Then she _walked away_… but came back ten minute later and was all 'I'm sorry for yelling, I'm pregnant.' I was all 'I know… I have eyes'." Greg snickered.

I laughed, even though I was sure to be experiencing the same things later on. "Aren't you still living with her?"

"With my Sister? Oh, yeah."

` "When are you going to move out?"

Greg smirked. "When she gets another place." We both snorted. "It had better be nicer too!"

Our laughing was cut short when an absolutely _huge_ Barn Owl swooped in and dropped a tiny roll of parchment on my head.

"Hey Lorenzo!" Greg exclaimed and started to stroke the bird's head. "I've got some owl treats in here for you _somewhere_."

I rolled my eyes at Peter's owl, which was happily basking in Greg's attention and treat giving. Greg was muggleborn, and still unused to certain Muggle and Magical differences, such as Owl Post. Unrolling the parchment three sheets fell to the floor. Two of them looked like lists, but one was a quick note with Peter's handwriting on it.

_Pads,_

_Me and Prongs had lunch with each other this morning and thought up a list of baby names for your spawn. Enjoy!_

_~Worms._

I looked at the other two sheets. Sure enough they were baby names… _horrid_ baby names.

**Boys**

_Murgatroyd_

_Elvendork _

_Stanislaus _

_Algernon _

_Peregrine_

_Leodegrance_

_Gurnemanz de Graharz_

_Affinamus de Clitiers_

_Brandelilelin_

_Dodines_

_Florie_

_Garschiloye_

_Ipomidon_

_Kardefablet_

_Karnahkarnaz_

_Killirjacac_

_Lahfilrost_

_Lambekin_

_Liahturteltart_

_Malcreatire_

_Manpfilyot_

_Plihoploheri_

_Plippalinot_

_Schianatulander_

_Urains_

_Vergulaht_

_Lischois Gwelljus_

**Girls**

_Demensia_

_Uniquea _

_Wynde_

_Myesha_

_Zahlia_

_Serafina_

_Phyllida _

_Iolanthe _

_Drucilla_

_Charissa_

_Cundrie_

_Condwiramurs_

_Herzeloyde_

_Orgeluse_

_Repanse de Schoye_

_Ampflise_

_Clarischanze_

_Gymile_

_Karnsafide_

_Obielot_

_Juschute_

_Richoyde_

_Schoette_

_Terdelascoye_

I gawked at the ridiculous names on the list and vowed to myself to never again let James read Parzival. 'Lischois Gwelljus'? I shuddered and made a mental note to myself to pray for Prongs' unborn child. With a father like James he could end up with a name like 'Brandelilelin' or _worse_ 'Manpfilyot'. It would be even _worse_ if he were a she… 'Condwiramurs', 'Herzeloyde' and 'Terdelascoye' all made me gag. I sincerely hoped that Lily had more to do with the naming process then James. I folded the parchment up and stuck it in my robes to bring it to Moony… he would get a laugh out of this.

_**Saturday March 28 1980**_

I left for work a little earlier than usual so I could drop by Peter's and ask him what possessed him to pick those names the other day, as well as pick up a magical hand held massager or something for Moony's back and feet. Instead of taking the Floo or the Knight Bus, I decided to Apperate… and landed smack dab in the middle of Hell. The streets were filled with panicking people, screaming and running for their lives and unconscious figures hung in the air like grotesque puppets. I drew my wand, just in time to shield myself from an explosion. Lowering my shield charm, I saw that the explosion had come from the demolition of Pettigrew's Presents. '_Fuck, Peter…' _I rushed into the burning building. "PETER!" I couldn't see anything smoke was swirling around my body as if it had a mind of its own. I choked on the rancid gas as it invaded my lungs. "PETER? WORMTAIL?" No answer. I ran to the back of the shop where I knew there were hidden stairs that led to Peter's flat. Tears from desperation and the smoke ran sown my cheeks. My head spun with lack of oxygen, but I didn't dare focus on a 'Bubble-Head Charm' when I might need to curse someone or defend myself. I paused on the stairs to cough and catch my breath.

"CRUCIO!"

A scream wrenched itself through the air. I started and continued up the stairs to where the scream came from. Bursting into the flat I felt my breath die in my lungs and ice-cold fear creep into my mind. James was laying on the ground, alive, but with a huge gash in his face, and Peter sobbing into the dead body of Mary MacDonald, his longtime muggle born girlfriend. Watching all this with a cruel smile on her face was none other than my cousin, Bellatrix. "Siri!" She squealed, sounding absolutely delighted. "What a wonderful surprise!"

I pointed my wand at her. "What did you do..."

Bellatrix giggled. "Don't worry, Cousin. I didn't kill your friends." She smirked.

"LIAR!" I shot a body-binding hex at her. She blocked it easily. "YOU KILLED HER!"

"I may be many things, Cousin, but I'm no liar." Bellatrix laughed.

_Lieslieslieslieslies..._ Mary was dead. Sweet, innocent, though slightly ditsy, Mary was dead. Beautiful loving Mary- Bellatrix killed her. "CRUCIO!"

Bellatrix danced out of the way and I began to shoot spells at her... Dark Spells that I had read about in my Parents library and in the Restricted Section at Hogwarts. Soon Bellatrix's giddy smile turned into a feline snarl. I fought for Mary who was much too young and good to die.

Bellatrix growled at me, sweat glistening on her forehead. "Expelliarmus!" she shouted and I felt my wand yank itself out of my hand. Finding myself cornered and wandless I lunged at Bellatrix with my fists pulled back and ready to strike. I was blown across the room, and I heard myself cry out at I hit the glass of the window.

"_Master_!" Bellatrix suddenly shouted. "_Master I have them!_"

Master? Did she mean-

_CRACK_!

"Well done, Bellatrix…" That voice… I recognized it. I had heard it before when I was defending that Muggle Village with the rest of the Order… it was Lord Voldemort. "Is there a chance of them joining?" The reedy thin voice sent prickles of fear down my spine.

"No, My Lord. Both my… my 'cousin' and Potter are Blood Traitors to the core."

"What about this one?"

_Peter_… they were talking about Peter… I tried to turn my head, but it felt too heavy to move. "… he'd _never_ join you…" I managed to speak through a blood filled mouth. Suddenly, I was lifted into the air and I found myself face to waxy face with Lord Voldemort himself. The blood in my vein froze as I looked into the evil red tinted eyes of the Man who had killed so many innocent people, Muggle and Wizard alike.

"Sirius Black…" He hissed. "Finally… I have the pleasure of meeting you…" I spat. The pink tinged glob of saliva hit him straight in his eye. Bellatrix gasped in horror as Voldemort slowly wiped the spittle from his face. "Your family… they were right about you." He said slowly. "You are brave… an admirable trait. But I've no need for you. _Avada Kedavr-"_

"STUPIFY!"

The charm missed, but distracted Voldemort long enough for the curse to break. Landing on my arse, I lurched over to where James was dragging himself over to Peter and Mary's dead body.

"GET THEM! _DON'T LET-_"

CRACK!

_"Fuck_!" I exclaimed as I landed hard on a wood floor. There was a sharp burning pain in my thigh. Looking down I saw that all the skin on the whole left half of my left leg was gone, as well as some sizable chunks of flesh. Splinched… I heaved and a disgusting splattering sound filled the Potter's living room. Shit… Remus bought Lily that rug… I threw up again as another wave of nausea hit me.

"Lily!" James croaked, sprawled out on the ground. "Lily…"

"She wont be able to hear you, Mate…" I hissed in pain.

"I'll get her…" Peter spoke up for the fist time. His voice was cracked and raspy with smoke. He slowly rose to his feet and winced. "Ow… shit." He muttered as he noticed blood seeping out of his shoe. "Damn it, I think that I splinched."

"Me too, Mate." I whispered, laying my head down on the fuzzy carpet. "Now be a good Lad and get Evans, will you?"

" 'S just _Lily_ now…"

We both ignored James, and Peter hobbled out of the room. "Lily?"

"Peter? What are you doing he-" There was a strangled gasp, "Oh my! Peter you should be at St. Mungo's! Why are you-"

"Never mind me, Lily. "Sirius and James are much mor-"

"What about James?"

"What am I… chopped liver?" I muttered as Lily walked into the room. The next thing I knew, I was unconscious.

_**Tuesday, March 31, 1980**_

I opened my eyes and found myself staring at a starch white ceiling. Moaning I rolled over and found myself face to find myself face to face with Peter. He looked awful… his normally jolly pink face was pale and the merry light in his pale blue eyes had gone out. "You missed the funeral." He whispered. "There was balloons… yellow ones. That was her favorite color…"

"Mary's funereal?" I bolted upright. "SHIT! How long have I been out?"

"It's the thirty-first." Peter's voice cracked. "Our anniversary…"

I winced at the raw pain in Peter's voice and pulled him into an awkward one armed hug. "You'll be okay, Mate. You're tough."

"I just don't know how I'll be able to get on without her…" Peter started to cry. "I just miss her so much!" I let Peter cry into my shoulder for what seemed like hours. It was the strangest most unnerving thing ever… Peter didn't cry! He _laughed_ and made bad jokes and came up with the best cookie recipes ever! A non-jolly Peter was like a Lily-Hating James or a beardless Dumbledore! It just wasn't _right_.

"Do you feel, like… I dunno. Talking about it?"

"No… it hurts too much. It would have hurt so much less if your cousin really _was _the one to kill Mary though."

"But she was lie-"

"She didn't _lie_ Sirius." Peter pushed himself away from me and wiped his eyes on a corner of my sheet. "She was telling the fucking _truth_. _James_ was the one who fired the curse that killed her."

I was shocked. "…what? _James… _that's not possible. He wouldn't-"

"It is and he did." Peter said coldly. "All three of us were fighting Bellatrix and James shot a killing curse at her. And he missed… it ricocheted off of that 'unbreakable mirror' that Lily bought us as a homecoming gift and hit Mary in the face."

"James-"

"Avada Kedavra'd her in the face." Peter took a deep breath. "I wish that I could get back at him, you know? Like… avenge Mary or something or…" He shook his head. "Never mind. Moony just left, by the way." Peter said, abruptly changing the subject. "And… and _James _is with him so you don't have to worry-"

"Worry about what?"

Peter looked at me blankly. "Didn't you hear me earlier when I told you it was the thirty-first?"

"What about it?

"Sirius, It's the Full Moon."

I blanched. "WHAT? Full moon? I can't be in the hospital during the Full Moon! What about Remus? This will be the _second_ Full Moon I've missed in a row!"

"And how exactly is that _my _fault?" Peter demanded angrily. "Don't _complain_ about it… just fucking _do_ something." I dismissed Peter's rudeness. He, of all people, _deserved_ to be rude.

I lurched out of bed and started looking for my wand.

"Wait… what are you doing?"

"I'm going to apparate over there…. AHA!" I had found my wand.

"You _cant_!" Peter exclaimed. "Wait till tomorrow morning! The Moon's already rise-"

_CRACK!_

I winced as I landed heavily in the middle of my living room. The curtains were shut tight. "Moony… Moony? I'm back-" A loud growl sounded behind me. Turning around slowly, I found myself staring at a fully grown werewolf with a hungry look in its yellow eyes… I should have listened to Peter… I had never been more scared in my entire life. I felt as if I had been petrified. I couldn't seem to move, only stare in horror at the Werewolf in front of me. Where the hell was Prongs? The Werewolf stalked closer until its snout was only about six or so inches away from my crotch. I squeezed my eyes shut… Good _Lord_ this was going to be painful… a yelp made me open my eyes again. James had _finally_ appeared, knocking the Werewolf away with his huge antlers.

"_Watch the Baby_!" I hissed. James gave me a look that _clearly_ told me to shut up and transform before he joined Remus in attacking me. I quickly shifted forms, and through colorblind eyes I watched the Werewolf struggle to its feet and look around wildly, searching for the Human that was just there a moment ago.

"_Hrrrnnnnn…_" The Werewolf padded up to me looking confused. It sniffed at me and then woofed happily, licking my snout and padding away towards the hall closet. I followed closely and was slightly shocked when I saw all of the pillows and sheets from our bedroom, as well as from the couch and the towels from the bathroom, arranged into a large nest like shape inside the closet. The Werewolf snuggled into its makeshift nest and closed its eyes, making a soft huffing sound.

I felt a hoof nudge at my backside. I spun around snarling. James raised an eyebrow at me. do you have _any_ idea how odd it is to have a Stag raise an eyebrow at you? It is _very_ odd. Very odd indeed… He gestured with his head for me to follow him. James led me down the hall to the bathroom. There he shifted back into his human form and hurried me into the bathroom before shutting and locking the door.

"James, what-"

"Are you alright?" James demanded. "You were out for _days_."

"I'm fine." I hissed, switching back. "Why are we not animals?"

"I think that we'll be fine if we stay in here." James waved his hand dismissively. "Is it alright if I leave now? It looks like It'll be fairly calm for the rest of the night."

"I'll be fine." I clapped James on the shoulder. "Say 'Hello' to Evans for me-"

"It's _Lily_ now-"

"And be sure to check on Wormtail. He's looking bad."

I was shocked to see James' normally cheerful eyes fill with tears. "I can't face him, Padfoot… I'm the one who killed her… I can't face him. Not when I killed his 'Lily'." I couldn't find the words to comfort him so just hugged James tightly, and shifted back into a dog. James opened the door for me and I padded out.

I made my way back to the closet. Just as I nudged the Werewolf with my nose, I heard a loud 'Crack' and knew that James had left. The Werewolf blinked up at me and licked my cheek. I curled around It and sighed happily as It began to lick my face and neck, like I've seen female dogs do to their pups… the Werewolf growled, happy that I was now clean, and then laid It's head down on my back. Seconds later It was asleep. The nest of towels and sheets and other bed-stuff was ridiculously comfortable and I was oddly exhausted, despite the fact that I had been sleeping for almost three or four days. I gave a huge yawn and closed my eyes. I could do with a lovely little nap.

_**Wednesday, April 1, 1980**_

The next morning I woke up in the closet, curled around a shivering Remus. He was still fast asleep but goose-bumps covered his body. Shifting back into my human form I stretched, moaning when I felt my joints popping. I gently lifted Remus up and carried him out of the closet and into our living room, grabbing a sheet off of the top of the nest to throw over Moony.

After Remus was all snuggled up on the couch and adorable, I wandered into the kitchen to fix some breakfast before I left for work. I put on some bacon, eggs, sausages, pancakes, fried tomatoes, and tea. And then I fixed my own breakfast. Just a scrambled egg and toast for me, thanks.

While I cooked my breakfast I read the Daily Prophet.

'_Werewolf Fenir Greyback Attacks Small Muggle Child._

_Yesterday Morning, the Werewolf notorious Fenir Greyback, attacked three-year-old Jennifer Harris, a muggle girl, leaving the child dead. Her parents were killed soon after. Greyback was not in fact transformed at the time since it was not a full moon, and the incident happened in plain daylight. Authorities believe that-_"

"It's awful isn't, it?"

I jumped. I had not realized that Remus had snuck up behind me. "Yeah… horrible." I felt Remus press himself to my back, wrapping his arms around my waist and laying his cheek against my shoulder.

"Fenir Greyback's the one who bit me, you know…" Remus muttered, kissing my shoulder. "My Dad insulted him and he came after him. I was a stupid kid… I loved the full moon and I had snuck out to see it better…" Remus trailed off, and I felt something damp on my shoulder. Twisting around I let Remus cry silently into my chest, and a few hot tears escaped my own eyes and fell into Remus' hair. We cried for Greyback's victims, the dead ones and the ones who were forced into a fate almost worse than death…

When I went to work something was off… and then I realized. It was April Fools Day, and yet no one was Fooling. "What's going on?" I asked Greg when I walked into the office.

Greg looked up at me with blank eyes. "Jenny's dead." He whispered. "My niece… Greyback killed her. And my sister… my sister…" Greg let out a choked sob and shook his head. I suddenly found myself at his side and wrapping him in a tight hug. Greg buried his head in my chest as I stroked his hair. I noticed that it was only a shade darker than Moony's and was in the same style, albeit a bit shorter.

"Sorry…" Greg sniffled and pulled away, breaking me out of my thoughts. "So… how about those Cannons?"

_**Sunday, April 5, 1980**_

"We should have my parent's over for dinner." Remus said one day while he was staring at his baby bump in the full-length mirror in our bedroom. "I'm sure that Mum has gotten over the shock be now, and Rom's probably not mad anymore… and I'm not even sure if my Dad knows yet…"

"How about another time?" I scowled at the sheet of parchment in my hand. "Besides, aren't we on our way to Greg's families fucking _funeral_?"

Remus looked offended. "I didn't mean for today…"

I grimace and stood up, walking over to Remus and wrapping him in a hug. "Sorry for snapping. I'm just… you know."

"I know." Remus kissed me gently on the lips. "The war's taken a toll on everyone. We've lost our friends… I understand."

"I shouldn't be taking it out on you though." I whispered. "You _or_ Little Moonfoot here…" I placed a hand on Moony's belly.

"Moonfoot?"

I flushed. "I- it's a name that I thought up for the Baby… its like a mix between our two nicknames-"

"I like it." Remus smiled shyly up at me. "It's a _wonderful_ name."

Later, at the funeral, I was standing with Remus while he sat in the shade and nibbled at a bunch of grapes. Both our eyes were red, though we hardly knew the family. I had met Greg's sister and niece once at a work thing and Remus used to baby-sit for the little girl.

"Thanks for coming." Greg walked up to me and wrapped me in a hug. "You're a true friend Mate." Letting go of me He noticed Moony. "Remus. How's the pregnancy going?"

"Really excellent, thanks. I'm about eleven weeks along no-"

"Really? That's swell." Greg turned back to me. "See you in work tomorrow?"

"Um… actually-"

"He's off." Remus snapped, and stood up. "Now, thank you for having us. It was a lovely funeral, but we really must be going. Now, come along Sirius."

_**Wednesday, April 8, 1980**_

A few days later, Moony was still angry with me though I had no idea why. It wasn't like the last times that he had been mad at me. During the other times he's been mad at me I've been made to sleep on the couch, cook my own meals, clean up after myself, and in certain rare instances, be the Bottom for a night. But now… he was just _cold_. I was still allowed to sleep in the bedroom but Moony was so _stiff_ towards me. And not the good kind of stiff either. I couldn't take it anymore.

"Moony, we need to talk."

"We need to talk?"

"Yeah. About us."

"About us?"

"Some things need to change around here."

"Some things need to change around here?"

"_Will you stop repeating_?"

"Repeating?"

I glared at Remus and he glared back from over his bowl of cereal. "You're acting really irritating right now, you know that?"

"Am I?" Remus raised an eyebrow in a challenge.

"_Yes_." I growled.

"Well, good." Remus stood up and walked past me.

"Will you at _least_ tell me _why_?" I was horrified to hear my voice crack. I was supposed to be the strong manly man, laying down the law.

Remus turned slowly to me. "I'll tell you _why_. Do you remember tat day at the Funeral?" I nodded. " Greg was _flirting _with you."

I relaxed and pulled Remus into a tight hug. "Baby, is that all? Greg flirts with _everyone._"

"He didn't flirt with _me_."

"That's because he knew that you were mine."

_**Sunday, April 11, 1980**_

After that, Remus' jealousy problems only got worse. We were sitting in the waiting room at Kazam's Pregnancy Clinic and I was terrified. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as he felt his ears pop, and I could _just tell_ that Remus' head had just turned slowly towards mine… just like the 'Exorcist' in that Muggle Movie. I started to sweat as Remus' eyes smoldered on the side of my head. Soon he could take no more. (What? You'd be uncomfortable too if the side of your head was freaking _burning_!)

"_WHAT?"_ People turned to stare at us.

"Don't you '_what'_ me." Remus snapped angrily, ignored the odd looks. "You keep _looking_ at her… you keep _talking_ to her… why don't you just do her right here?"

"Rem, baby-"

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO HER RIGHT HERE?"

"I _have_ to look and talk to her! She's the fucking _Secretary_!"

I was relieved when Healer Fitzwhickerson called us in. After the initial check out, Healer Fitzwhickerson told us that the baby's bones were solidifying and it now had eyes and ears. Remus started beaming and I felt my chest swell with pride when we were told that, so far, our baby was healthy and happy.

_**Tuesday, April 14, 1980**_

"Can you build this for the baby?" Remus scurried over to me as soon as I cam home from work. I glanced at the crib in the Baby Accessory magazine that Lily had sent over.

"No."

Remus looked surprised and hurt. "Why not?"

"Could I build shit, _before_ you got pregnant?"

Remus sighed and wrapped his arms around me. "What's the matter, Siri?"

"Dumbledore wants me to rejoin the Order." I grimaced and pulled Remus closer against my chest, burying my nose in the sweet familiar scent of his hair. "Me _and _James."

Remus looked alarmed. "But _why_?"

"Moony? You may want to sit down." Remus obediently pulled away from me and sat on the couch, curving his arms protectively over his tiny baby bump. I sat next to him, placed my hands on his shoulders. "you know Gideon and Fabian Prewett?" I asked, looking deep into Remus' eyes.

"Yes…"

"They're dead."

**SORRY THIS IS SO LATE! I AM THE SLOWEST TYPER IN EXISTANCE! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!**

**Sorry for all of the angst in this chapter… but as I was writing this I remembered that there was a war going on at this point. And this IS cannon. So Sirius WILL be arrested after the Potters die at the hands of Peter… unless you don't want that and would rather have an AU where everyone stays happy. If THAT is the case, then I shall have to be **_**bribed.**_** XD**

**During the Full Moon Scene, I called Remus the Werewolf because I don't think of Remus as THE Werewolf, but I think of Moony as Remus. Do you know what I mean?**

**If I didn't include any of your ideas, it doesn't mean that they wont be in the story… just not in this chapter. :)**

**FWI, THIS WILL **_**NOT**_** BE ABANDONED! I AM JUST SLOW! **

**Any Ideas you guys have for future chapters will be added in! Please Review! **


	5. Chapter 5

So… hi. I'm not dead. XD

Those of who have followed me on this story probably hate me, BUT I am here to make amends. I will be RESTARTING 'Good Boys' and 'Mummy Moony' and hopefully make them better than they were/are. I will be updating them at AO3 at a later date, hopefully with some other fics from different fandoms. (Though my main focus is fanart now) I don't really go on this site much anymore, so if you'd like to contact me, you can either messages me here (cant guarantee a reply though) or you can message me on tumblr. I'm _**mostvillainsneedhugs**_, so… hopefully I'll hear from some of you wonderful, beautiful, and AMAZING people!

I wont be deleting this account, but nothing else will be updated here.

Goodbye for now! : )


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